9 Ways to Reduce the Stress of Parenting

Young moms today are typically trying to juggle a full time job at work, with another full time job at home.  The pressure is on to eat only organic and healthy food, to protect the environment, nurture your kids intelligence and still be stylish. Chances are one of her kids has special needs, it takes 30 minutes in traffic to get to the grocery store after work and despite the efficiency of all those ‘time saving’ gadgets, she doesn’t have time to use them. Add one more straw to the camel’s back if you’re parenting on your own, working longer than usual hours at your job, have lost your job or a kid gets seriously sick and suddenly – you’re drowning.

Does this scenario sound familiar? If so, you’re not alone. More young families are more isolated and unprepared for the rigors of parenting then ever. It’s a tough job under the best of circumstances and our own internal expectations that we do it perfectly creates extra pressure. When pressure builds up it can make us dysfunctional. But, you love your children and you signed on for this job and if you see yourself slipping down the slippery slope of feeling hopelessly overwhelmed, it’s time to stop, take stock and organize a manageable life. It is possible, when you keep it all in perspective.

#1. Decide what your job is – do it and let go of the guilt for not being perfect.

This is the most important thing you can do because it’s going to eliminate the guilt that erodes our confidence and effectiveness as a parent. I used to think my job as a parent was to be perfect; to be everything for my children, to never allow them to be hurt or to be unable to meet their needs. I was wrong. I redefined my job as loving my children and providing them with a safe and nurturing home. There was a big difference in my internal calculation of those two jobs. One I could do, the other was a set up for failure. Take some time and decide what a realistic job description is for  you.

#2 Limit your commitments and get help.

If you’ve been one to sign on for committees at school or volunteer at your church or some charitable agency and your life is becoming unmanageable, it’s time to cut back on anything non-essential for your families survival and well-being. If you’ve already cut back everything you can and there still aren’t enough hours in the day, look around for help. If parents aren’t available, then look to friends to  share some parenting responsibility. The idea that it takes a village to raise a child is so true and we need a community to call upon when you need time to heal, to find a job or just get on top of 16 loads of laundry! When my kids were little we had a mothers group sponsored by the local Waldorf school where mothers with similar values, traded babysitting. The same can be arranged in a church group or among any social group you’re affiliated with. With some guaranteed time to catch up for all of us, it was a win/win.

#3 Look carefully at your financial health

This is a high priority because the number one issue that husbands and wives fight over and causes them the highest stress is financial insecurity. If you are sinking because you’re about to be evicted that’s going to take priority over everything else. Chances are in this economy your family has been stretched thin for awhile and one more event, like the car breaking down or hours being cut at work, has you in crisis mode. You are not alone. More middle class families are losing homes and going through radical adjustments than ever before in American history. We’re the country where things always get better, so it’s hard to face the fact that you may need to move down the mobility scale for a period.

Try not to be discouraged but see these changes as a temporary set back. Talk with your partner, your best friend, your parents, your religious mentor and stay confident that you will find a way through these hard times. Look for your strengths and consider getting additional career training. Make the tough choices to make life manageable and give you freedom from fear of  your world collapsing. Let it fall and pick up the pieces of what’s most important and rebuild around that.

#4 Establish habits and routines.

These are the nuts and bolts that hold the ship of our home together. It’s funny, but when I was younger, those words were anathema to me. I fancied myself a free spirit, a creative type who was spontaneous and ready for anything. When I became a parent and in 7 years had 4 children, I realized that I wouldn’t survive without routines and the more I could ‘habitualize’ the behaviors I wanted my children to learn, the easier my job became. Consider that much of what we do as a parent is maintenance. Keeping the fridge stocked, making meals, cleaning up after meals, keeping the laundry moving through the machines and keeping the house from becoming a disaster area. The trick is to create habits and routines for all these necessary evils and not let it overwhelm you.

If you can inculcate the concept that everything has a place and when you finish with it, it goes back to it’s place, you’ll be way ahead of the game by the time they’re teenagers. Kids can learn to carry laundry to the laundry basket as soon as they can walk. They can help stack dirty dishes in the dishwasher, put toys back in the box after playing with them, they can flush the toilet and wash their hands – all habits that are best started as soon as possible. They soak up these new ‘games’ when they are young and want to help, to participate, to earn your approval. When your child is grooming the dog and finishes, you simply ask, and where does that brush go now? Eventually, they get the concept that anything used has to go back to where it came from and this, believe me, makes a huge difference. Of course, you have to provide the place for everything to go back to in the first place….

For myself, I remember a nursery rhyme where each day of the week had it’s own chore assigned to it. I know my mother did laundry on one day and ironing on the next, but nowadays, chores don’t fit into such a neat schedule. Major tasks such as shopping and vacuuming get done on the weekend. Ironing, never happens in our house. However, cleaning the dishes and tidying the kitchen gets done every day because I can’t cook in a dirty kitchen. The less clutter, the less stress I feel so I try to make it automatic for everyone to keep things moving back to their designated places. I know I succeeded in getting this across to my kids when my youngest at age 2 announced that she needed to be put back in her place because she was sleepy. And so, we tucked her into bed.

#5 Spend some quality time with your children every day

Quality time is like vitamins for the soul of your child and you. These are the moments when the rest of our life makes sense because it allows us to push them on the swing in the sunshine and hear their laughter. Quality time, simply defined, is when you are able to give 100% of your attention to one child.  There is no other competition for your attention, internally or externally. Reading together, really looking at a picture they’ve drawn and talking about it, planting in the garden, going for a walk, not to get somewhere, but just to smell the day – are examples of quality time. If you’re gone all day, choose one activity and make it special. Bath time or reading a story together may be a perfect way to have that one on one exchange. Quality time can also be family time, such as eating a meal together or playing a game together. It’s a time to laugh and listen and simply relish your love for them. We need it every day.

#6 Create a safe and nurturing home.

Have you ever been in a home where the stress level was so high you felt like retreating immediately? A safe home, to me, should be free from abuse, violence, free floating stress and negative feedback. Abuse is a big subject, but inappropriate punishment, name calling and neglect are common abuses. Violence can be fighting between you and your spouse in plain view or behind closed doors. A child who sees violence or even fears the threat of violence is harmed. We may not realize that we are radiating stress when times are hard, but kids are little sponges and they feel it. Their ability to learn so much in such a short time is based on this hypersensitivity to clues from their environment. They’re always trying to figure out their place in your life. They can read your exhaustion as rejection and your frustration as blame and react accordingly. This means that it is imperative that you take care of yourself and your marriage so you are not emotionally unavailable to your children because of stress.

Try to remember that their minds and personalities are developing as much as their bodies. Just as we try to feed them nutritious foods, part of our job is to provide healthy and appropriate feedback to grow a positive self image. Children need to be applauded for their effort, for their accomplishments, no matter how small. You have to make it clear if you criticize, that it’s the behavior and not the person that needs to change. Read some good parenting books if this is hard for you to understand. How we communicate is probably the number one most influential factor affecting our children’s mental health. A nurturing home is where you know you are loved for who you are and that doesn’t change no matter what you do.

#7 Use Time-out as a teaching tool, not a punishment

Time-out is a critical piece in helping your children learn how to cope with their emotions. By about age 2, most children need time out when  they are feeling overwhelmed with anger and their behavior becomes destructive. Stopping a child from hitting another is not always possible, but when you see the anger escalating and their little fists flying, it’s time to intercede. Simply taking them a few steps away to a place where they can breathe through the emotions that are assailing their bodies can help them learn control over their emotions. Usually it’s better not to send them to their room, because this is felt as a punishment and their anger and pain can escalate.

Make the time-out based on how long it takes for them to get their emotions under control and stop the attacking behavior, but keep it short, it’s not punishment, it’s a time to regroup. If you are consistent with this, the time out typically gets shorter and a simple apology allows them back into the activity. As our kids got older, they switched this ritual into choosing to go to their room when they got upset and seemed to learn internal strategies to comfort themselves when emotionally hurt or offended. We all need time out occasionally and it’s a useful tool in raising little humans.

#8 Have an established bed time

Bedtime and nap time are so important because it’s during sleep that the body heals and grows and the mind integrates the learning of the day. Today, many children are not getting enough sleep. Some parents let their toddlers stagger about until they’re past exhaustion, hoping they will sleep later the next morning. But inadequate sleep can cause all kinds of disturbances in a child. Medically speaking, the following guidelines should be observed:

Birth                                      16 to 18 hours

First 6 months                         14 to 16 hours

6 to 12 months                         13 to 14 hours

12 months to 2 years             12 to 13 hours

2 to 6 years                         10 to 13 hours

6 to 12 year                         9 to 11 hours

12 to 18 years about             10 hours

Adults about                         8 hours

If your child isn’t getting enough rest, they’re more likely to act out, crave sweets and be emotionally fragile or volatile. With my first baby, she seemed to never sleep and I was afraid to put her down and let her cry. I walked her through the night and ended up useless the next day. I believed her hyper-sensitivity around bedtime was a kind of separation anxiety. Eventually, I realized we wouldn’t survive unless she  was able to go to sleep on her own. I started putting her down and not picking her up when she cried. Within 3 nights, she realized that crying wasn’t going to get me back and she went straight to sleep. My second child got the benefits of my experience with the uselessness of all night walking and was a good sleeper. And so it was established that after bath and story time, it was time to sleep – period. The advantage for you with clear bedtimes is that you have some small bit of grown up time with your spouse and are more likely to get the rest you need. Frankly, our ability to cope with the challenges of our life is enormously improved if we can just get enough sleep.

#9 Cultivate dreams and hopes

This may sound terribly airy-fairy, but I think it’s one of the things that makes the difference between a family that is surviving, versus a family that is thriving. In a positive, nurturing environment, kids want to share their dreams and hopes and parents support and try to make them happen. In a stressed and overwhelmed family environment, dreams are squelched quickly as impossible, unrealistic or selfish. As a child I remember visiting a friend who had moved to the country and had a horse. I came home full of excitement that maybe we could move to the country too. It was a particularly bad moment to voice my naïve hope and I got slammed down hard. I remember the decision I made in that moment, not to hope for much. It took years before that part of my soul felt safe to venture out again.

With my own kids, we used to play a game at the dinner table based on the question: “What would you do to change the world if you had unlimited money and power?” A pretty ambitious question, I admit, but the answers from their young minds spawned amazing conversations and interestingly, they all became social activists and idealists trying to change the world, somewhat along the lines of those conversations from their childhood. One answer from my 8 year old I will always remember, was that she would make me everyone’s mommy. Despite the impossibility of this we queried why she would do that. She answered, “because then everyone would be loved and people would be happy and there’d be no more war.” Out of the mouths of babes!

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