Teaching by Touching

A Japanese friend of mine described a family ritual that led him to a career as an acupressure therapist. Every night his family would soak in a hot tub together and talk over the days events. Afterwards, his parents briefly massaged each of the children in their pajamas on a mat on the floor before tucking them into bed.

He explained this ritual not only eased muscular and emotional tension, but was part of a broader education on the importance of caring for one another, learning to listen and practicing respect. As the children became older they were instructed in how to practice acupressure massage on other family members, such as the grandparents, and were praised for their attention and caring efforts towards their elders. These activities strongly shaped my friends life and today he raises his young children in the same manner.

It occurs to me how these types of rituals are among the strongest teaching that we can give our children. Children remember what we do, not what we say. Today, most parents find themselves too tired or stressed to even have a relaxed meal and conversation with their children, much less to give them a massage each night! Our little sanctuary is bombarded by the urgent distractions of television, computer games and homework. Yet, I know such rituals of love and caring nourish our children in a way that nothing else can.

Positive or nurturing touch is vital for our health and well being at every age.  Scientific and medical journals attest to the fact that infants will fail to thrive and even die without nurturing touch and attention. But while it is acceptable to touch, bath and caress our infants and toddlers, how quickly do we step away from these intimacies as our children grow? Teaching our children about respectful and nurturing touch is as important to their education as teaching them about inappropriate touch and sexual boundaries. But without the benefit of a culture where massage is traditional, it’s something we have to make a special effort to learn.

As a practitioner of healing arts, I knew the importance of positive nurturing touch and I learned that a warm compress on the tummy and gentle massage will soothe a baby with colic or a child with constipation. A five minute back rub with a warm fragrant oil, slipped my children off into dreamland without a backward glance. By adolescence, foot rubs became evening entertainment along with some precarious and humorous attempts to walk or crawl over their parents tired backs. Touch was ever present and seemed to form a blanket of acceptance that enfolded us all. The world would seem terribly cold without it.

Rituals, silly, casual or profound, give us a sense of belonging – of family identity. Saying grace before a meal can be a ritual that reminds us to be grateful for each days bounty, whether that gratitude is expressed to God, to mother nature or the many hands that brought forth our food. Children love predictable sequences and daily rhythms that can be relied upon. Having meals at regular times, celebrating seasonal events and bedtime baths, stories and tucking in, cushion your child with a sense of well being and security.

I’m sure you are already creating your own family rituals, even if the concept is unfamiliar to you. What you do with intention and regularity will grow inside your children like a second set of bones. The bones of their generosity, their kindness to others, their ability to listen or express gratitude – these qualities are fed by the little things we do every day.

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